She's crying. What's he supposed to do with this? Has he ever consoled anyone like this in his life? Has anyone ever consoled him? Claude may famously be able to navigate his way through every social situation that his circumstances have thrown at him, but something as genuine and heartfelt and raw as this is a complete mystery to him. For all that he hadn't meant to fall the way he had, he can't help the way his stomach twists in guilt; you did this.
So he just hugs her tighter, lets her get it out of her system, lets her ineffectually beat at his chest with those tiny fists of hers, tries to let her pretend as though she's not crying -- and pretends as though he doesn't feel his throat constricting too, more affected by this than he lets on. ]
That was... [ Right. The note. ] That was for if I went missing, not...
[ People here go missing all the time. He hadn't left a note in the case of his death, largely because he's never let himself believe that he could die. More fool him, he supposes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says, voice quiet, hoarse. ] It wasn't supposed to go like that. It just... happened.
[ He was supposed to live. He was supposed to stick around to keep giving her the blessings he'd promised her. ]
[ Of course it just happened. The rational side of Ange knows that it's true. Claude isn't someone who goes out of his way to get reckless. Sure, maybe he comes across as a little overconfident, but he doesn't seem like the type of person who'd just walk right into a situation that would kill him for sure. And with all those Gnosia around - of course they could catch him by surprise. Maybe there were even multiple of them. Maybe there was no way he could have escaped.
But it doesn't make the hurt any less painful. After all, it's not like her family planned to die either. They promised to come back in a few days, and they fully thought they were going to do exactly that.
Until they didn't. Until they couldn't, just like Claude.
Her eyes sting with tears that still refuse to stop, and her throat feels thick and painful, but Ange pulls her head back just enough so she can actually try to look up at him, taking the look at him - with blurry sight, but still - that she couldn't a moment ago, too overwhelmed by the fact that he's here at all. ]
Are you--
[ Her voice sounds so raw, like she might slowly be going hoarse due to the events of the past few days. ]
Are you okay? [ Physically, she means. Mostly. Ange figures no one is mentally okay after this incredibly fucked up week. It's more just-- ] Did it do something to you?
[ It's not like this place hasn't messed with their memories before. What if it's a side effect of Claude's revival? ]
Oh, now she asks, [ Claude chides her, though his eyes are still round with concern, brow knitted, the way he's carrying himself just -- off, by a little. There's something strange in it, like he'd gotten dressed inside his own body just this morning and still isn't certain how to inhabit it. He still tries to smile at her, though, still tries to take some of the sting off of it.
He doesn't like seeing her so unhappy. It isn't right. He wants her back to her old plucky self, swift with a barbed word or quick retort, not wasting her tears on something so impermanent, so stupid. Death means nothing here, or so he's attempted to believe. It's part of the cycle, equal to getting injured, even lesser if you take into account the considerably lessened healing time. He's never been able to believe it, though, never been able to treat death like something less noteworthy than it is, and from the looks of her, Ange can't either. She looks like she's been crying for days.
He reaches out and brushes some of the hair out of her eyes, the same as he remembers his mother doing to him when he was young. ]
I'm more than fine. I'm just the same as when you saw me last. [ He spreads his arms out to either side of him. ] See? Hale and hearty as I've ever been.
[ .. well, at least he does look like he's physically doing alright. And he's not acting off enough for her to believe that they took some big memory or something else that makes Claude Claude away from him.
It's a relief, but it's one so very faint that it hardly does anything in the moment-- nothing but a drop in a bucket of emotion.
The girl sniffs, and she raises her hand. Not to get his own hand away from her hair, but more just to wipe at her eyes, even though the tear stains are already all over her cheeks. ]
I was so worried.
[ The words just slip out. Usually Ange's brain to mouth filter is so intense, but right now it has completely slipped away. She's too tired. She has cried too much. There's no energy left for it, so she just speaks the plain truth for once, rather than hiding behind a poker face or indirect words. ]
I thought maybe you'd-- [ It's like she chokes on the words, and Ange has to pause and swallow before she can even continue. ] Maybe you'd never come back.
[ And it definitely looks like that thought really upsets her. More than Claude might expect. ]
T-- This is why you shouldn't have been using your protection on me instead.
It wouldn't have protected me anyway, [ Claude says gently. He doesn't want to linger on the nature of his death. Not like this. He doesn't want her to imagine his last moments, to know the true way that he had died, his dying thoughts, his last breaths. He hopes to any god that will listen that she had been told of his death by someone else, hadn't stumbled in to see his corpse laying on the ground, bloodied and dull. She doesn't deserve that.
He hadn't thought about it before -- how the news of his death may have traveled, who discovered him, who cleaned him up, who had taken a moment to know, to care. Now, he finds himself fervently hoping that he'd been left there until his body had simply disappeared, that nobody had discovered that grisly sight. ]
It was protecting me from a different evil. This... there's no magical spell to get away from this. [ He raises a gloved finger to wipe one of the tears from her eyes, gentler than he's ever been. ]
I don't regret using my protection on you for a second. Even if that is how it went. I knew what I was doing, Ange. I regret my confidence -- but not how I used that power. I chose you because I wanted you safe. That's all there is to it.
[ The gentleness almost makes it worse. Because it's so much more than she's ever received from most people, than she's ever received from almost anyone. He can't be doing great, given what he just came back from, yet here he is - saying stuff like he's trying to comfort her, wiping away the tears from her eyes. He protected her this entire time until he couldn't anymore. All of that, and then he died.
The thought of it feels like a blade plunged right into her heart. ]
I regret it.
[ She doesn't necessarily sound angry, though she is upset. It sounds more.. desperate than that. It makes Ange look so much younger than she actually is, like this is something rooted deep within her that's starting to spill out. ]
Because it-- It should've been me, Claude! I should have died, not you! [ She's only ever thought that about her family.
But this-- This doesn't feel so far off from it. Isn't Claude comforting her just like her own big brother would have done if he got to live past her own age? Isn't he doing the sort of things for her that usually only her family would have done?
She shakes her head rather intensely, and though she was trying so hard to stop her tears, the words she's saying right now only seem to make them flow even more intensely as well. ]
I don't want to be the one to live when it means you die..!
[ Claude's voice cracks, a croak rising from his chest as Ange has an outburts of what can only be called her true feelings, the sort of thing very few - if anyone - ever gets a chance to see. He knows that Ange's life had been difficult, that she has her own share of struggles and a reckless streak that fills his heart with fear in a place like this, but...
How could he have ever expected her to say something like that? He just stares at her for a moment, truly at a loss for words, distress writ clear on his face in the knit of his brows, the curve of his mouth, the utter heartbreak in his expression. ]
Ange, you can't possibly mean that, [ he says, more out of desperation for that to be the case than true belief. The sentiment is familiar to him, of course. How could it not be? Noble he may be, but he's also a soldier, and has sat quietly in the barracks as soldiers sat together, heads bowed and shoulders shaking in grief, the guilt of being the one to survive threatening to overtake them, making them reckless in battle, fragile in mind.
But Ange isn't a soldier. She's just a girl. His hands slide down to grip at her shoulders, cursing the fact that his silver tongue only works with bureaucracy; for something like this, he's entirely at a loss. ]
Your life is precious. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't have -- I'd never, ever want you to die in my stead. What happened to you wasn't my responsibility. It will never be your responsibility. You deserve to live. With me. What happened was...
[ It's so hard to think of these events as unavoidable. It always has been hard for Ange. After all, it was already like this when it was her family all those years ago. How many times exactly has she imagined what it would have been like if she had reached out to them, if she had convinced them to stay, if she had prevented that awful tragedy?
And is this any different? Maybe she could have been there with Claude when it all happened. Maybe she should have convinced him to not go out in the first place. There are so many things she could have done that would have avoided Claude looking the way he does right now - with that weird gaze in his eyes, making him look lost in a way she's never seen him before. ]
Claude, I-- I don't mind dying.
[ She knows it's not exactly the right thing to say to someone who clearly looks this upset about dying.
But she has to convey this to him. Maybe it's why there's something a little desperate in her words as she says it, like she's really trying to convince him of this one. Like she needs him to know, just so he can know for the future, just so he knows it won't be a big deal for her if she ever has to put her own life on the line for his sake-- ]
It's fine. I don't-- I don't even remember how many times I've died before. I've been trying to die, and it just won't stick, and you are-- You're so important to me, and--
[ Yes, she's rambling.
Ange may look just a touch better than Claude, but it seems like neither of them is doing very well after this entire incident, considering Ange doesn't even seem to realize she's rambling. The girl just keeps going. ]
You're so much more important than me than my life is..!
[ Claude has always prided himself on knowing exactly what to say. He's not one to belittle his own skills, necessarily, but he knows that he lacks the sheer political power of Edelgard, the physicality of Dimitri, the force of personality that comes from his mother and father -- but he makes up for it in the gift of gab. Here and now, he's utterly speechless, utterly guileless, looking at Ange with an expression that can only be described as absolutely heartbroken.
(Unbeknownst to him it is, perhaps, not dissimilar to the way Ange's blood brother would look at her to hear her say such a thing. If he had any sense at all, anyway.) ]
Ange, that's not...
[ He struggles to find the words. There's a lot to what she's saying. That she's tried to die in the past, that she's tried and failed, that she's been in this cycle over and over again in a way not unlike what he's heard from others, from Manjiro, but for the first time in his life, his concern outweighs his curiosity. He needs to know what she's talking about, what she's gone through, everything -- but it's less important now than it is to... to...
He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to say. The very idea that he'd be more important to someone than their own life is utterly foreign, utterly baffling. The idea that his dear friend wants to die even moreso. This isn't something that can be made better with words alone, but he knows it's something that can be made far, far worse. ]
I shouldn't be. I'm not. Our lives are of equal importance. Yours is weighted as heavily as mine.
[ He won't echo the sentiment back at her. More than unhelpful, it would be false. ]
[ Granted, even if it wasn't, it's very likely that she would still have given his life more weight than her own. He really is that important to her. But the fact that she thinks so little of her own life - due to all the influences of other people on that very same perception of her life - makes it even easier to elevate the importance of his life above her own.
At least she doesn't ignore his question though. After slowly letting out a tired breath, she shakes her head, still not raising her gaze. ]
I haven't here. [ Her voice is a little more quiet now. ] .. you've experienced it. Even if you die here, you just come back. It'd be pointless.
[ There's a pause after the words, and they feel a certain way to Ange that doesn't feel Great. She can't pinpoint exactly why at first, but then she slowly realizes it, especially in the light of what had just happened to Claude.
It'd be pointless to her, yes. But in this case, when it concerns Claude's case instead-- ]
I'm glad you're back though. [ It's the one good thing about the way coming back to life works here. At least it brought him back to her. ] I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't come back.
[ So she hasn't tried to die here, but not through any lack of desire -- simply the lack of ability. To die and to return would be insult added to injury for her. He can imagine why, of course. It's not an uncommon sentiment voiced by those who have undergone great tragedy in their lives, and everything he knows of Ange's past is that she had been left behind, her family slaughtered, any friends she may have had nowhere to be found. But even if that's how she felt there, he would have hoped that things would be different here.
She has friends here, people who will look out for her, a life marred by periods of chaos but none of it is directed at her because of who she is, only because of the misfortune of winding up here. Somehow, that's still not enough. He can't even listen to her saying that she's happy he's back because that feels so beyond the point now -- frankly, his own death is something he has to shove out of his mind, so distressed he is by Ange's confession.
She doesn't even seem to realize what an awful thing that is to say. ]
And I don't know what I would have done if you were to die, never to return. There are precious few people I trust here, Ange. And even fewer whose company I enjoy. [ As though that will help; don't die, I like hanging out with you! ] What makes you say that your life is worth any less than anyone else's?
[ Ange looks like she isn't sure what to say. At least she is actually looking at him again, but it makes it even more clear that the look in her eyes is a little helpless. As if she doesn't have an answer to that question that she can lay out so clearly - because this stuff has always lived in her head, not coming out of there in words spoken to someone else.
It doesn't feel fair to focus so much on her when he's the one who died and came back to life - and clearly isn't dealing with it in a great way - but at the same time that fact makes her unable to not answer his question. Isn't this the least she owes him, actually answering what he's asking her? ]
I mean.. You're some big ruler. You're going to change the world.
[ Sure, it's something Claude has only said, but she has enough faith in him and his abilities to believe that he can actually do it. That he can live up to all the dreams he has.
It's the easiest way to describe why her life is worth so little. She can't think of any other way to do it other than this comparison, other than-- ]
Meanwhile, I'm just.. [ ... ] .. all I can do is expose what actually happened to my family and then.. and then there will be nothing left. I wasn't put into this world with any sort of purpose. If I disappeared, no one would care.
[ .. except..
Except there's what Claude is saying here. Right now. It makes it harder to say those words, even though Ange knows they are 100% true when it comes to her world. ]
No one's told me that before. That they-- they wouldn't know what to do if I'd die. [ Judging by the way she says it, she even has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea, though she's trying - and fumbling. ] You really mean that..?
Of course I do! [ Claude bursts out, voice louder and more emphatic than he means for it to. It's been a long time since that's happened; Claude rarely raises his voice, preferring to get what he wants with a sweet whisper than a raised fist, and he loses control of his emotions even more seldom. If he wasn't so deeply upset by the idea that Ange has been labouring like this in silence all of this time, he'd be downright embarrassed by his conduct. As it is, though, he's entirely focused on the problem in front of him.
Which is Ange, the one person who's never been a problem before -- and isn't that something he should have caught onto? Everyone should be someone else's problem at some point. If they're not, then there's something deeply wrong with that picture, someone who's able to tuck themselves away and make sure they won't bother anyone.
Well, count Claude as being bothered. ]
What kind of person would I be to be untouched by the death of someone important to me? I'm not that callous. And you are important to me, make no mistake about that.
[ He runs one hand through his hair, a little distractedly, bare fingers gliding smoothly through his loose curls, hair wild and untamed in a sharp contrast to his usual coiffed locks. ]
All lives have value, Ange. Not only the ones who have set out to accomplish something -- everyone from the eldest woman to the youngest child are as important as I am, and if I didn't believe that, believed that people have to prove their worth first, I wouldn't be setting out to do precisely what I'm doing.
[ He shakes his head. ]
You don't need to change the world, Ange. You just have to live in it. And I for one vastly prefer the world with you still in it.
[ It's not a rejection of what he's saying. Her tone isn't firm enough for it. Compared to how he raised his voice a moment ago, Ange's own voice is so quiet - like it's a vulnerable admission, something she wouldn't just tell anyone.
But considering what Claude is saying, she has to tell him. She has to confess this. That she doesn't know how to do that - just.. living.
It makes something in her gaze look desperate as she stares at him, unsure what to say here, other than this. She's never known how to live. The only reason she's still living now, past her due date, is because she had one last thing to do. Is that really living? She more often feels like a zombie shambling through life.
Ange is quiet for a few moments after it, then she shakes her head. ]
Sorry, I shouldn't be saying this. I mean-- Not right now. You have to rest first. [ God, he just literally came back from the dead. ]
[ That's simplifying it, isn't it? Claude doesn't know what it is to live like Ange, like Marianne, like any number of people he's known who are prone to such thoughts, who feel each day as an unbearable weight, who are able to somehow convince themselves wholeheartedly that the world is a better place without them in it. God willing, he never will know. It's been one of many ways that the gods have spared him from despair, whether that's through his natural disposition or his good luck to not go through the same rigors that others have.
So he'll never understand. So what? He can at least help them find some little reasons to keep living: to find out what happens next in the next installment of your favourite novels, to taste foods that are new and exciting, to feel the wind on your face as you sail through the air, to feel the warmth of the fire against your frozen fingertips. There are reasons, as numerous as grains of sand, provided you're able to see them. Provided perhaps that you have someone to show them to you. ]
And I can help. I know you might see all of my lofty goals, foolish as they may be, but... I'm not too bad at the other stuff either. [ He raps his knuckles against her shoulder, though he leaves his hand there. ] There's beauty to living. We'll figure it out together. And for the record --
[ He almost says he's glad he died, if that's what it took for her to tell him this. Almost. He doesn't think she'd take kindly to that, though, and he doesn't even believe it himself. He's just glad that some good can come of it. ]
I'm glad you told me. Don't worry about the timing. This is the sort of thing I want to know.
[ She slowly raises her gaze to actually look at him.
There's something hesitant about it. The girl still looks awkward, like confessing all of this takes a lot out of her - and the fact she was already so emotionally exhausted because of her feelings over his death sure don't really help with that either. Still, it does seem like something about his words at least coax enough out of the girl to make her look over at him.
Silently, first, for a moment. Maybe she's thinking about everything he's saying. Especially when Ange isn't sure what these words mean. Claude clearly is affected by his death - who wouldn't be, if you aren't used to the kind of crap that Ange is? - and yet he's saying he's glad she told him this. Even though this feels like the worst possible moment of it.
If it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't think Claude would practice empty flattery when something in his eyes looks so tired, she might imagine he was lying to her.
But if he isn't-- what then? What does that make this? Is Claude just truly that nice, that selfless? For her?
...
She'll try to drag him over towards a bed in a moment, she tells herself. She has to make sure Claude rests, especially when she isn't sure a guy who would stop to listen to all of this right after dying would make sure he gets said necessary rest.
But right now, just for a moment, she needs to hear-- ]
You can help..?
[ It doesn't feel like anyone can. It's never felt that way. Ange doesn't even know how to express this endlessly hopeless feeling to anyone else. It feels impossible to understand for someone who hasn't been through it themselves-- so how is anyone meant to help with that? If Ange can't get out of that pit herself, how could someone else help her?
But..
Is it so strange to have just a little bit of hope when he's the one telling her it? ]
[ That right there is all Claude needed to hear. That Ange was even willing to be helped, willing to be changed; true doom would come if she had simply resigned herself to this fate, to feeling this way forever until she was inevitably able to fulfil her goal. But Claude has never been one to believe that any destiny is written in stone, and especially not such a cruel one for a young woman who he's never seen do anything worse to another soul than to indulge in a sharp word or two.
So there's still hope. There's still a life to be lived. Two of them, in fact. Even if it's as common as breathing in this place, the gods had seen fit to give him a second chance, and he doesn't intend to squander that gift. ]
Sure I can, [ he says, easy, confident. ] So long as you let me.
[ He's not as confident as he sounds. Not nearly. But, Claude figures, he's smart, and he's pushy, and he knows how to live life to its fullest. And where that personal expertise fails, he has books to fill up the gaps. He knows it will be a slow process, slow enough so that Ange herself may not even notice when the shift happens. At least that's what he's hoping for. What he needs to sell here is not the certainty that he can help, but in the certainty that things can change -- and that, at least, he can do.
In some ways, this is a more intimidating prospect than his loftier goals, but no less worthwhile for it. He reaches his hand out to her, as though to shake on it. ]
We'll try together. Which means if you ever feel... [ He trails off, unsure as to what to say, how to say it. ] Well, I never mind the company.
[ Don't worry, Ange. At least with this guy, you don't have to worry much about interrupting a booty call. ]
[ It really is the biggest danger in this place...
Still, right now the main thing Ange is thinking about is how strange all of this is. It's only been in this place that she's been introduced to the concept of people wanting to help her - well, without getting hired for it, anyway. But what Claude is doing is going even beyond that. He's not offering to help her with a simple thing, to start with. And he's offering her it despite the fact that he just went through hell and back.
She takes the hand and shakes it, but the thoughts keep lingering in her mind, and..
It makes her release the hand after a moment, just to go in for another hug. A more brief one this time. She may cling to him intensely, but it's only for a moment, as if Ange really had to get that one out. When she lets go of him, her face is finally mostly free of tears, but she does look like she's blushing a little bit, not fully sure of how to handle herself in this moment, unlike the usual. ]
Thanks. [ Ange says, once she's let go. ] If there's anything I can help you with too at some point, you should let me know.
[ She glances back over her shoulder at the wyvern, and then over to Claude again. ]
Mroe than just watching her while you're gone, I mean. [ Though, let's be real. Ange was the one being babysat by the wyvern, not the other way around. ]
[ Claude does not, in fact, let her go immediately, muscling her in for a bigger hug. At this point, he's gotten the sensation that Ange may well need it more than he does, which says a lot about Ange's own mental state, and about the state of this goddamn place that it can whip them into such a tizzy. Everyone could use a good hug now and then, anyway; Claude remembers getting bear hugs from Nader when he was a kid, feeling protected and warm in his embrace, like nothing else could possibly hurt him. He may be lacking in Nader's sheer girth (no matter how much he may try to replicate it), but he is at the very least bigger than Ange is.
He can't keep her safe. Not from this place, and certainly not from herself. But he can help her feel like he can, for just a moment. He does relinquish her from his arms eventually though, lip curled in a half-smile seeing her tear-streaked face wiped clean, though he can still see the vestiges of exhaustion in her, the sort you get after you spill your guts without ever having planned on it. ]
Well... you could come with me inside? [ He nods over at the Apothecary. ] I'm beat. I could use a sit down. But I wouldn't mind the company.
[ The place is trashed to hell. He's doing it because he's not going to send her home, not in this condition, and he'd really like to lie down for a few minutes or hours, or possibly days. But also because after everything that's happened, it will do the paranoid corners of his mind good to have a sharp pair of eyes in there with him to catch onto whatever it is he may miss. ]
.. forget the sit down. You should probably just nap.
[ There's no sharpness to her words at all, even when Ange is saying stuff that's a little bit more like the things she would usually say - if neither of them had been through the wringer in their own way over the past week. If they didn't have such a massively embarrassing emotional display.
It's likely the fault of all of those things that her tone is more meek now as she speaks.
Still - she doesn't seem to reject his request, already stepping closer in the direction of the door before she stops to look back at him. ]
It should be safe to do that now. Or-- You know, whatever goes for 'safe' in this place on a normal day.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 12:55 am (UTC)She's crying. What's he supposed to do with this? Has he ever consoled anyone like this in his life? Has anyone ever consoled him? Claude may famously be able to navigate his way through every social situation that his circumstances have thrown at him, but something as genuine and heartfelt and raw as this is a complete mystery to him. For all that he hadn't meant to fall the way he had, he can't help the way his stomach twists in guilt; you did this.
So he just hugs her tighter, lets her get it out of her system, lets her ineffectually beat at his chest with those tiny fists of hers, tries to let her pretend as though she's not crying -- and pretends as though he doesn't feel his throat constricting too, more affected by this than he lets on. ]
That was... [ Right. The note. ] That was for if I went missing, not...
[ People here go missing all the time. He hadn't left a note in the case of his death, largely because he's never let himself believe that he could die. More fool him, he supposes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says, voice quiet, hoarse. ] It wasn't supposed to go like that. It just... happened.
[ He was supposed to live. He was supposed to stick around to keep giving her the blessings he'd promised her. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-28 01:10 pm (UTC)But it doesn't make the hurt any less painful. After all, it's not like her family planned to die either. They promised to come back in a few days, and they fully thought they were going to do exactly that.
Until they didn't. Until they couldn't, just like Claude.
Her eyes sting with tears that still refuse to stop, and her throat feels thick and painful, but Ange pulls her head back just enough so she can actually try to look up at him, taking the look at him - with blurry sight, but still - that she couldn't a moment ago, too overwhelmed by the fact that he's here at all. ]
Are you--
[ Her voice sounds so raw, like she might slowly be going hoarse due to the events of the past few days. ]
Are you okay? [ Physically, she means. Mostly. Ange figures no one is mentally okay after this incredibly fucked up week. It's more just-- ] Did it do something to you?
[ It's not like this place hasn't messed with their memories before. What if it's a side effect of Claude's revival? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-29 10:14 am (UTC)He doesn't like seeing her so unhappy. It isn't right. He wants her back to her old plucky self, swift with a barbed word or quick retort, not wasting her tears on something so impermanent, so stupid. Death means nothing here, or so he's attempted to believe. It's part of the cycle, equal to getting injured, even lesser if you take into account the considerably lessened healing time. He's never been able to believe it, though, never been able to treat death like something less noteworthy than it is, and from the looks of her, Ange can't either. She looks like she's been crying for days.
He reaches out and brushes some of the hair out of her eyes, the same as he remembers his mother doing to him when he was young. ]
I'm more than fine. I'm just the same as when you saw me last. [ He spreads his arms out to either side of him. ] See? Hale and hearty as I've ever been.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-01 08:11 pm (UTC)It's a relief, but it's one so very faint that it hardly does anything in the moment-- nothing but a drop in a bucket of emotion.
The girl sniffs, and she raises her hand. Not to get his own hand away from her hair, but more just to wipe at her eyes, even though the tear stains are already all over her cheeks. ]
I was so worried.
[ The words just slip out. Usually Ange's brain to mouth filter is so intense, but right now it has completely slipped away. She's too tired. She has cried too much. There's no energy left for it, so she just speaks the plain truth for once, rather than hiding behind a poker face or indirect words. ]
I thought maybe you'd-- [ It's like she chokes on the words, and Ange has to pause and swallow before she can even continue. ] Maybe you'd never come back.
[ And it definitely looks like that thought really upsets her. More than Claude might expect. ]
T-- This is why you shouldn't have been using your protection on me instead.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-10 03:43 am (UTC)He hadn't thought about it before -- how the news of his death may have traveled, who discovered him, who cleaned him up, who had taken a moment to know, to care. Now, he finds himself fervently hoping that he'd been left there until his body had simply disappeared, that nobody had discovered that grisly sight. ]
It was protecting me from a different evil. This... there's no magical spell to get away from this. [ He raises a gloved finger to wipe one of the tears from her eyes, gentler than he's ever been. ]
I don't regret using my protection on you for a second. Even if that is how it went. I knew what I was doing, Ange. I regret my confidence -- but not how I used that power. I chose you because I wanted you safe. That's all there is to it.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-14 09:08 pm (UTC)The thought of it feels like a blade plunged right into her heart. ]
I regret it.
[ She doesn't necessarily sound angry, though she is upset. It sounds more.. desperate than that. It makes Ange look so much younger than she actually is, like this is something rooted deep within her that's starting to spill out. ]
Because it-- It should've been me, Claude! I should have died, not you! [ She's only ever thought that about her family.
But this-- This doesn't feel so far off from it. Isn't Claude comforting her just like her own big brother would have done if he got to live past her own age? Isn't he doing the sort of things for her that usually only her family would have done?
She shakes her head rather intensely, and though she was trying so hard to stop her tears, the words she's saying right now only seem to make them flow even more intensely as well. ]
I don't want to be the one to live when it means you die..!
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Date: 2024-09-24 11:03 pm (UTC)[ Claude's voice cracks, a croak rising from his chest as Ange has an outburts of what can only be called her true feelings, the sort of thing very few - if anyone - ever gets a chance to see. He knows that Ange's life had been difficult, that she has her own share of struggles and a reckless streak that fills his heart with fear in a place like this, but...
How could he have ever expected her to say something like that? He just stares at her for a moment, truly at a loss for words, distress writ clear on his face in the knit of his brows, the curve of his mouth, the utter heartbreak in his expression. ]
Ange, you can't possibly mean that, [ he says, more out of desperation for that to be the case than true belief. The sentiment is familiar to him, of course. How could it not be? Noble he may be, but he's also a soldier, and has sat quietly in the barracks as soldiers sat together, heads bowed and shoulders shaking in grief, the guilt of being the one to survive threatening to overtake them, making them reckless in battle, fragile in mind.
But Ange isn't a soldier. She's just a girl. His hands slide down to grip at her shoulders, cursing the fact that his silver tongue only works with bureaucracy; for something like this, he's entirely at a loss. ]
Your life is precious. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't have -- I'd never, ever want you to die in my stead. What happened to you wasn't my responsibility. It will never be your responsibility. You deserve to live. With me. What happened was...
[ An explosion, a peal of gunfire in the night. ]
...it was unavoidable.
cw: talk of suicidal ideation
Date: 2024-09-29 11:36 am (UTC)And is this any different? Maybe she could have been there with Claude when it all happened. Maybe she should have convinced him to not go out in the first place. There are so many things she could have done that would have avoided Claude looking the way he does right now - with that weird gaze in his eyes, making him look lost in a way she's never seen him before. ]
Claude, I-- I don't mind dying.
[ She knows it's not exactly the right thing to say to someone who clearly looks this upset about dying.
But she has to convey this to him. Maybe it's why there's something a little desperate in her words as she says it, like she's really trying to convince him of this one. Like she needs him to know, just so he can know for the future, just so he knows it won't be a big deal for her if she ever has to put her own life on the line for his sake-- ]
It's fine. I don't-- I don't even remember how many times I've died before. I've been trying to die, and it just won't stick, and you are-- You're so important to me, and--
[ Yes, she's rambling.
Ange may look just a touch better than Claude, but it seems like neither of them is doing very well after this entire incident, considering Ange doesn't even seem to realize she's rambling. The girl just keeps going. ]
You're so much more important than me than my life is..!
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Date: 2024-10-10 12:23 am (UTC)(Unbeknownst to him it is, perhaps, not dissimilar to the way Ange's blood brother would look at her to hear her say such a thing. If he had any sense at all, anyway.) ]
Ange, that's not...
[ He struggles to find the words. There's a lot to what she's saying. That she's tried to die in the past, that she's tried and failed, that she's been in this cycle over and over again in a way not unlike what he's heard from others, from Manjiro, but for the first time in his life, his concern outweighs his curiosity. He needs to know what she's talking about, what she's gone through, everything -- but it's less important now than it is to... to...
He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to say. The very idea that he'd be more important to someone than their own life is utterly foreign, utterly baffling. The idea that his dear friend wants to die even moreso. This isn't something that can be made better with words alone, but he knows it's something that can be made far, far worse. ]
I shouldn't be. I'm not. Our lives are of equal importance. Yours is weighted as heavily as mine.
[ He won't echo the sentiment back at her. More than unhelpful, it would be false. ]
Have you tried -- here?
[ He can't quite get the words out. ]
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Date: 2024-10-13 12:02 pm (UTC)Her gaze drops. ]
My life is worth less than dirt.
[ Granted, even if it wasn't, it's very likely that she would still have given his life more weight than her own. He really is that important to her. But the fact that she thinks so little of her own life - due to all the influences of other people on that very same perception of her life - makes it even easier to elevate the importance of his life above her own.
At least she doesn't ignore his question though. After slowly letting out a tired breath, she shakes her head, still not raising her gaze. ]
I haven't here. [ Her voice is a little more quiet now. ] .. you've experienced it. Even if you die here, you just come back. It'd be pointless.
[ There's a pause after the words, and they feel a certain way to Ange that doesn't feel Great. She can't pinpoint exactly why at first, but then she slowly realizes it, especially in the light of what had just happened to Claude.
It'd be pointless to her, yes. But in this case, when it concerns Claude's case instead-- ]
I'm glad you're back though. [ It's the one good thing about the way coming back to life works here. At least it brought him back to her. ] I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't come back.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-16 01:26 am (UTC)She has friends here, people who will look out for her, a life marred by periods of chaos but none of it is directed at her because of who she is, only because of the misfortune of winding up here. Somehow, that's still not enough. He can't even listen to her saying that she's happy he's back because that feels so beyond the point now -- frankly, his own death is something he has to shove out of his mind, so distressed he is by Ange's confession.
She doesn't even seem to realize what an awful thing that is to say. ]
And I don't know what I would have done if you were to die, never to return. There are precious few people I trust here, Ange. And even fewer whose company I enjoy. [ As though that will help; don't die, I like hanging out with you! ] What makes you say that your life is worth any less than anyone else's?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-23 08:07 pm (UTC)It doesn't feel fair to focus so much on her when he's the one who died and came back to life - and clearly isn't dealing with it in a great way - but at the same time that fact makes her unable to not answer his question. Isn't this the least she owes him, actually answering what he's asking her? ]
I mean.. You're some big ruler. You're going to change the world.
[ Sure, it's something Claude has only said, but she has enough faith in him and his abilities to believe that he can actually do it. That he can live up to all the dreams he has.
It's the easiest way to describe why her life is worth so little. She can't think of any other way to do it other than this comparison, other than-- ]
Meanwhile, I'm just.. [ ... ] .. all I can do is expose what actually happened to my family and then.. and then there will be nothing left. I wasn't put into this world with any sort of purpose. If I disappeared, no one would care.
[ .. except..
Except there's what Claude is saying here. Right now. It makes it harder to say those words, even though Ange knows they are 100% true when it comes to her world. ]
No one's told me that before. That they-- they wouldn't know what to do if I'd die. [ Judging by the way she says it, she even has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea, though she's trying - and fumbling. ] You really mean that..?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-29 09:10 am (UTC)Which is Ange, the one person who's never been a problem before -- and isn't that something he should have caught onto? Everyone should be someone else's problem at some point. If they're not, then there's something deeply wrong with that picture, someone who's able to tuck themselves away and make sure they won't bother anyone.
Well, count Claude as being bothered. ]
What kind of person would I be to be untouched by the death of someone important to me? I'm not that callous. And you are important to me, make no mistake about that.
[ He runs one hand through his hair, a little distractedly, bare fingers gliding smoothly through his loose curls, hair wild and untamed in a sharp contrast to his usual coiffed locks. ]
All lives have value, Ange. Not only the ones who have set out to accomplish something -- everyone from the eldest woman to the youngest child are as important as I am, and if I didn't believe that, believed that people have to prove their worth first, I wouldn't be setting out to do precisely what I'm doing.
[ He shakes his head. ]
You don't need to change the world, Ange. You just have to live in it. And I for one vastly prefer the world with you still in it.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-03 11:59 am (UTC)[ It's not a rejection of what he's saying. Her tone isn't firm enough for it. Compared to how he raised his voice a moment ago, Ange's own voice is so quiet - like it's a vulnerable admission, something she wouldn't just tell anyone.
But considering what Claude is saying, she has to tell him. She has to confess this. That she doesn't know how to do that - just.. living.
It makes something in her gaze look desperate as she stares at him, unsure what to say here, other than this. She's never known how to live. The only reason she's still living now, past her due date, is because she had one last thing to do. Is that really living? She more often feels like a zombie shambling through life.
Ange is quiet for a few moments after it, then she shakes her head. ]
Sorry, I shouldn't be saying this. I mean-- Not right now. You have to rest first. [ God, he just literally came back from the dead. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-11-20 12:33 am (UTC)[ That's simplifying it, isn't it? Claude doesn't know what it is to live like Ange, like Marianne, like any number of people he's known who are prone to such thoughts, who feel each day as an unbearable weight, who are able to somehow convince themselves wholeheartedly that the world is a better place without them in it. God willing, he never will know. It's been one of many ways that the gods have spared him from despair, whether that's through his natural disposition or his good luck to not go through the same rigors that others have.
So he'll never understand. So what? He can at least help them find some little reasons to keep living: to find out what happens next in the next installment of your favourite novels, to taste foods that are new and exciting, to feel the wind on your face as you sail through the air, to feel the warmth of the fire against your frozen fingertips. There are reasons, as numerous as grains of sand, provided you're able to see them. Provided perhaps that you have someone to show them to you. ]
And I can help. I know you might see all of my lofty goals, foolish as they may be, but... I'm not too bad at the other stuff either. [ He raps his knuckles against her shoulder, though he leaves his hand there. ] There's beauty to living. We'll figure it out together. And for the record --
[ He almost says he's glad he died, if that's what it took for her to tell him this. Almost. He doesn't think she'd take kindly to that, though, and he doesn't even believe it himself. He's just glad that some good can come of it. ]
I'm glad you told me. Don't worry about the timing. This is the sort of thing I want to know.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-23 12:27 pm (UTC)There's something hesitant about it. The girl still looks awkward, like confessing all of this takes a lot out of her - and the fact she was already so emotionally exhausted because of her feelings over his death sure don't really help with that either. Still, it does seem like something about his words at least coax enough out of the girl to make her look over at him.
Silently, first, for a moment. Maybe she's thinking about everything he's saying. Especially when Ange isn't sure what these words mean. Claude clearly is affected by his death - who wouldn't be, if you aren't used to the kind of crap that Ange is? - and yet he's saying he's glad she told him this. Even though this feels like the worst possible moment of it.
If it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't think Claude would practice empty flattery when something in his eyes looks so tired, she might imagine he was lying to her.
But if he isn't-- what then? What does that make this? Is Claude just truly that nice, that selfless? For her?
...
She'll try to drag him over towards a bed in a moment, she tells herself. She has to make sure Claude rests, especially when she isn't sure a guy who would stop to listen to all of this right after dying would make sure he gets said necessary rest.
But right now, just for a moment, she needs to hear-- ]
You can help..?
[ It doesn't feel like anyone can. It's never felt that way. Ange doesn't even know how to express this endlessly hopeless feeling to anyone else. It feels impossible to understand for someone who hasn't been through it themselves-- so how is anyone meant to help with that? If Ange can't get out of that pit herself, how could someone else help her?
But..
Is it so strange to have just a little bit of hope when he's the one telling her it? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-03 09:09 am (UTC)So there's still hope. There's still a life to be lived. Two of them, in fact. Even if it's as common as breathing in this place, the gods had seen fit to give him a second chance, and he doesn't intend to squander that gift. ]
Sure I can, [ he says, easy, confident. ] So long as you let me.
[ He's not as confident as he sounds. Not nearly. But, Claude figures, he's smart, and he's pushy, and he knows how to live life to its fullest. And where that personal expertise fails, he has books to fill up the gaps. He knows it will be a slow process, slow enough so that Ange herself may not even notice when the shift happens. At least that's what he's hoping for. What he needs to sell here is not the certainty that he can help, but in the certainty that things can change -- and that, at least, he can do.
In some ways, this is a more intimidating prospect than his loftier goals, but no less worthwhile for it. He reaches his hand out to her, as though to shake on it. ]
We'll try together. Which means if you ever feel... [ He trails off, unsure as to what to say, how to say it. ] Well, I never mind the company.
[ Don't worry, Ange. At least with this guy, you don't have to worry much about interrupting a booty call. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-07 01:46 pm (UTC)Still, right now the main thing Ange is thinking about is how strange all of this is. It's only been in this place that she's been introduced to the concept of people wanting to help her - well, without getting hired for it, anyway. But what Claude is doing is going even beyond that. He's not offering to help her with a simple thing, to start with. And he's offering her it despite the fact that he just went through hell and back.
She takes the hand and shakes it, but the thoughts keep lingering in her mind, and..
It makes her release the hand after a moment, just to go in for another hug. A more brief one this time. She may cling to him intensely, but it's only for a moment, as if Ange really had to get that one out. When she lets go of him, her face is finally mostly free of tears, but she does look like she's blushing a little bit, not fully sure of how to handle herself in this moment, unlike the usual. ]
Thanks. [ Ange says, once she's let go. ] If there's anything I can help you with too at some point, you should let me know.
[ She glances back over her shoulder at the wyvern, and then over to Claude again. ]
Mroe than just watching her while you're gone, I mean. [ Though, let's be real. Ange was the one being babysat by the wyvern, not the other way around. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-21 11:20 am (UTC)He can't keep her safe. Not from this place, and certainly not from herself. But he can help her feel like he can, for just a moment. He does relinquish her from his arms eventually though, lip curled in a half-smile seeing her tear-streaked face wiped clean, though he can still see the vestiges of exhaustion in her, the sort you get after you spill your guts without ever having planned on it. ]
Well... you could come with me inside? [ He nods over at the Apothecary. ] I'm beat. I could use a sit down. But I wouldn't mind the company.
[ The place is trashed to hell. He's doing it because he's not going to send her home, not in this condition, and he'd really like to lie down for a few minutes or hours, or possibly days. But also because after everything that's happened, it will do the paranoid corners of his mind good to have a sharp pair of eyes in there with him to catch onto whatever it is he may miss. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-23 07:19 pm (UTC)[ There's no sharpness to her words at all, even when Ange is saying stuff that's a little bit more like the things she would usually say - if neither of them had been through the wringer in their own way over the past week. If they didn't have such a massively embarrassing emotional display.
It's likely the fault of all of those things that her tone is more meek now as she speaks.
Still - she doesn't seem to reject his request, already stepping closer in the direction of the door before she stops to look back at him. ]
It should be safe to do that now. Or-- You know, whatever goes for 'safe' in this place on a normal day.