You did, actually. A little bit. The day that I came back. [ Claude grins, tipping his cup to the side to look down at the way light reflects off of the clear glass-like surface of the tea. ]
It's the sort of thing I would have dismissed as madness before coming here, but let's just say I've had to eat my words more than once. [ Time travel, he'd mentioned; older than he looks. But Manjiro had seemed as though he was just getting his feet underneath him, and Claude had just been trying to entertain him for the evening.
Now, they can talk about it. ]
So. At home, you died before coming back again, just like here -- but with more time travel. Is that right?
I would too, if we're honest. But hey, a lot of stuff is new to you, right? That AI shit must be mind-boggling.
(while the sweets are wonderful, the tea earthy and sweet just how he enjoys it, it's the company that puts him most at peace. he's already resting on the other, so it's an easy enough step to close his eyes, rest is head against shoulder as he listens to him.
he likes to think that he's got over the past they never had, and while it is true that now he sees claude as himself, and appreciates what they truly are now, a part of him still equates claude with safety, tranquility, someone he doesn't have to have his guard up for. so, it's nice. it's easy, regardless of the weight of the conversation.)
... More or less. First time, I hit my head, was in a vegetative state for four years, then I died, and my brother went back in time for me. One time, I died by cop-suicide, and another, I jumped from a building. I didn't come back, my friend just changed some events so these wouldn't have happened in the first place. Butterfly effect, you know?
The AI shit is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. I'm still getting used to these damn games Ange had me download.
[ He also learned the term 'download'! He's very proud of himself! He's less proud of his ability to navigate a game's UI, and Ange has informed him that just playing digital chess doesn't count as learning how to play video games, more's the pity. But he quickly sobers as Manjiro continues talking, hands folded in his lap as he quietly listens to what he has to say.
This makes two people he cares deeply about who have dabbled in the desire to kill themselves -- no, not just dabbled. They tried. Both of them. It's something Claude can't ever wrap his head around - lucky for him, he supposes - but it makes his chest ache something fierce to think about the people he's come to appreciate reaching that level of despair, with no living person able to properly convince them to come up for air.
Except Manjiro does have that someone, it appears. His brother. Thank god. ]
You've been through a hell of a lot, [ he says. Manjiro can't see properly see his expression from where he's resting his head on his shoulder, so he allows his face to settle into that quiet sadness. ] As inconceivable as it seems, I'm glad that that was something you were able to reverse.
[ Not all people have that luxury. In another world, a less forgiving world, Manjiro did not have that second chance. He died, for good. Remembered as a cop-killer and a criminal, not a cheeky boy with a sharp smile and a devastating sweet tooth. ]
You tried to kill yourself twice. Now, are you...?
[ Is Manjiro here for good? Or is he likely to step right back onto that precipice? ]
Look at you, a modern man. I got an actual video-game here, I'll teach you so you can be one step closer to getting that AI shit.
(not that these two things are at all related, he just... likes to spend time with claude, no matter what they're doing. the conversation is always interesting, and it makes him founder of the man every time - it's almost like he's slowly uncovering a secret, and when he does, it goes to the grave with him. seems a theme for him as of late, all these people who hardly talk about themselves.
the subject might be heavy, but with his eyes closed, manjiro can't notice that it upsets, his voice is factual, a simple piece of information about him rather than a bomb that he just dropped. it's not like he allows it to show when it upsets him. it's a good question, though, that claude poses and manjiro cannot blame him for asking, for worrying.
well.)
Nah. My brother killed a time-leaper for it, and the fucker cursed him, so, technically, me. You met the me that jumped off a building. I was hardly sane and holding on, because of that damn curse, and I was fighting it to some extent and it just takes a lot out of me and made me a danger to the people who wanted me back, so I wanted to end it. I think what made me not pop you dead back then was the fact you liked me regardless, so it wasn't like you were trying to save me or make me different when I couldn't be.
I'm curse-free, so, everyone's safe.
(not that he's worried about himself, although he does make it in the definition of 'everyone'.)
Hey. [ He takes advantage of poor Manjiro's trust to flick his forehead with a thunk. ] When did I make it sound like I was worried about everyone? I'm not worried about the curse. I'm worried about you.
[ The fact that Manjiro had wanted to die over and over again, the fact that he'd felt that he wasn't allowed to become close to anyone, the fact that even after the dust has settled, he doesn't seem to grasp just how severe it is -- every bit of it is more worrisome than the last. Manjiro may say that he's fine now, but this sort of thing isn't something that ever leaves you. It stays with you. It haunts you. Claude has been around enough soldiers and warriors to understand those signs, even if he can't empathize with them. It's a problem that Claude doesn't know how to solve. For most other things, he has at least an inkling; when the primary war someone is waging is against themselves, he's lost.
But he can be here, at least. For Ange, for Marianne, for Manjiro, for the people he cares about who unfeasibly seem to think that their absence would be better for those around them than their presence. ]
You have memories of all of them, don't you? Doesn't that mean that he was also... you? [ He shakes his head. ] Maybe that's why that other world stuck with you more than it stuck with me. You're used to having different lives.
... Ou-ch. Bitch. I'm everyone, and so are you, and the curse made me a problem for all involved. Fuck, ouch. God, liked you better when you were head over heels for me, you'd never do me like that.
(it's said with a very big pout as he distances in almost a jump, it hurt!!! nevermind the fact that he is taking claude's hand and putting it where it hurts to massage it. it's penance. repent, sinner, as he frowns at the other boy. he is part of everyone, if he hasn't thought about it. there's a very good reason why manjiro left when he lost his mind in aldrip, and it was not only to protect himself but to protect the people around him from... well, manjiro himself.)
... Yeah. That time, though... I didn't even know. My friend is the one who was going back and forth to save me because he just has a huge issue leaving things alone, my brother gave him the gift and then died not long after. He was trying to solve the whole damn thing, and he just got to a point that he had to tell me or else it'd all go to shit, so.
[ Claude sniffs, as haughty as ever when he gets in a certain mood. He doesn't like to act the noble unless it's funny or proves a point -- and this does both. ]
You were never a problem for me, so the curse never managed to sink its claws into me, so that's that.
[ He's not much for curses, admittedly. Marianne had had similar concerns and he'd told her very much the same thing. They're the decider of their own fates, not some bullshit curses. He does, however, obediently poke and prod at where he'd flicked Manjiro. ]
So how did it wind up? Did your friend manage to survive in the end too? [ He stretches his legs out in front of him. ] ...and how many people got to remember their past lives? If he kept on doing that, it's not just you and him who had your fates changed. That's what they say, isn't it? Just one small action can ripple out far enough to change the course of history itself.
(because he left, that's why! but he knows keeping at that part of it isn't going to do much for them, because in the end, claude... cared for him, even when he met a version of him that was ruthless and broken to the moon and back.
there's no arguing. he just doesn't like it.)
... No, I... Stabbed him with a sword, managed to go back in time before he was fully gone... But only the two of us remember. He used to learn who bit it and went back to try to fix it, but the last time we did it together. Everyone lived, dreams achieved, so forth, so forth, so, yeah. One small action - I think the time-travel thing knows that too, it ships you right where you need to be.
So, that's the story of how I am probably 30 in the body of a 19-year-old. Imagine reliving your teenage weird shit when you're mentally in your twenties, oof.
[ Claude is quiet for a moment, wistful. He wonders what life would be like if he had the ability to turn back time. To grasp Teach by the shoulder and urge them to not let his father come along to that fatal mission, to approach Edelgard and Dimitri and to share with them all of his misgivings and hope that they can work together, to be able to evade death, evade war, even if he had to do it again and again and again and again.
Perhaps it is kinder to only make someone live the one life. To dwell on your mistakes in strange perpetuity, several lifetimes of grief and suffering, is no way to live. He's envious anyway.
None of it gets voiced aloud. It doesn't need to be. Nobody feels any joy knowing that others envy their lot in life. ]
I imagine it's the kinder thing, that none of the others remember, [ he muses. ] I'm sure they all went through things I can't well imagine. To live a life that's the best outcome possible to them without the awareness of how different things could have been... that's a gift.
[ But not for the ones that remember. Not for Manjiro. Not for his friend. ]
But I suspect, my friend, that you'd rather not forget. Some lessons are hard-earned. [ He glances at him. ] And at least you have a partner to remember it with you. Pity he wasn't able to join you here too.
(it's all he can say, knowing fully well that, in most of the lives he had lived, things had not turned out well for his loved ones, courtesy of himself. either they're living a life they would not agree with, or they were six feet under - the one time they weren't ruined, takemichi couldn't take 'good enough' as an answer.
he wishes he could say that everything is solved now, but that also isn't true. things that shaped them still, in most cases, happened in a way or another... but things are better, and all live through all the heartache in the invisible fight he had been engaged in for the past years.)
He used to be, before I met you. He sorta told everyone about the curse, that mistletoe thing happened, and then he was gone. I think... The time-leaping doesn't work here, but I have wondered if something would.
That's the way of this place. People here can come and go in an instant... though in that respect, it's not too dissimilar to any other world.
[ Claude knows better than anyone the transience of life. One moment, you may take your way of life, your loved ones, your daily routines for granted. And the next, it's torn from you. It's just more aggravating here because of the lack of warning, the lack of foresight; no sickness, no rumbling strife, no hints of what to come save for the knowledge that you could wake up and your best friend may be gone for good.
But you keep going. What else is there? ]
In this case, I just think to myself that they're back in their own worlds, where they belong, and we're the ones getting the short end of the stick. [ It's easier to bear, that way. He thinks Manjiro would agree. ] What else did you think might work here?
(manjiro knows it too well, along with the intricate web of events that a single death can cause. if anything, his entire story is a cautionary tale of how to handle loss. lose a person, diffuse your sanity even further.
which brings a sigh to his lips, and a rather selfish admission.)
I didn't want him to go. He's got a great girl, and I like her a bunch, but I had him all to myself for once. I like him, so I thought I might score something, almost did, too. He was taken after that, so, I got the short end of the stick twice.
(a shrug follows.)
Don't know. That's really all we can do, I'm not like half these fuckers who can blast fire out of their toenails or any other shit like that.
[ It doesn't have the same ring to it as ladykiller, but it's close enough. For someone who tries to push people away, worried about what he would become, Manjiro sure is attracted to people, isn't he? He just... wants. Their affection more than anything else, he thinks. ]
Weren't you already with Yu at the time? Sounds like he had his girl, and you had a partner of your own too.
[ Unless it doesn't work like that. Manjiro's from a different culture from Fodlan, or the other people here from what appear to be Fodlani cultures. But nothing Manjiro has said ever suggested a culture like Claude's own, a culture in which a man would have several women - and, frankly, men - provided they were in some position of power to maintain that.
Manjiro, lawless as he is, isn't that. His relationship with Yu isn't that either. It's something else entirely. ]
(so, it's not exactly that they're bound to each other, to never leave, never experiment. manjiro's never been like this, although he realized that he never really told claude that part about himself... even with all the hitting on him of it all.
he waits for a moment before he starts out again. how to put this?)
... It's not the norm, but I... Love people, I guess. Everyone I like, I like differently, so it's not like I could ever be with a single person for the rest of my life. It's not me.
[ Claude's brows knit. Not the norm, Manjiro says, as though this wasn't the very thing that has dictated the entirety of his childhood. He can't help the doubt that enters his eyes, even when he's taken every other strange thing about Manjiro's life in stride. ]
And none of you get jealous of one another? No favourites are played? I can't imagine.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-10-15 11:45 pm (UTC)It's the sort of thing I would have dismissed as madness before coming here, but let's just say I've had to eat my words more than once. [ Time travel, he'd mentioned; older than he looks. But Manjiro had seemed as though he was just getting his feet underneath him, and Claude had just been trying to entertain him for the evening.
Now, they can talk about it. ]
So. At home, you died before coming back again, just like here -- but with more time travel. Is that right?
cw suicide mention
Date: 2024-10-17 03:29 pm (UTC)(while the sweets are wonderful, the tea earthy and sweet just how he enjoys it, it's the company that puts him most at peace. he's already resting on the other, so it's an easy enough step to close his eyes, rest is head against shoulder as he listens to him.
he likes to think that he's got over the past they never had, and while it is true that now he sees claude as himself, and appreciates what they truly are now, a part of him still equates claude with safety, tranquility, someone he doesn't have to have his guard up for. so, it's nice. it's easy, regardless of the weight of the conversation.)
... More or less. First time, I hit my head, was in a vegetative state for four years, then I died, and my brother went back in time for me. One time, I died by cop-suicide, and another, I jumped from a building. I didn't come back, my friend just changed some events so these wouldn't have happened in the first place. Butterfly effect, you know?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-24 01:52 am (UTC)[ He also learned the term 'download'! He's very proud of himself! He's less proud of his ability to navigate a game's UI, and Ange has informed him that just playing digital chess doesn't count as learning how to play video games, more's the pity. But he quickly sobers as Manjiro continues talking, hands folded in his lap as he quietly listens to what he has to say.
This makes two people he cares deeply about who have dabbled in the desire to kill themselves -- no, not just dabbled. They tried. Both of them. It's something Claude can't ever wrap his head around - lucky for him, he supposes - but it makes his chest ache something fierce to think about the people he's come to appreciate reaching that level of despair, with no living person able to properly convince them to come up for air.
Except Manjiro does have that someone, it appears. His brother. Thank god. ]
You've been through a hell of a lot, [ he says. Manjiro can't see properly see his expression from where he's resting his head on his shoulder, so he allows his face to settle into that quiet sadness. ] As inconceivable as it seems, I'm glad that that was something you were able to reverse.
[ Not all people have that luxury. In another world, a less forgiving world, Manjiro did not have that second chance. He died, for good. Remembered as a cop-killer and a criminal, not a cheeky boy with a sharp smile and a devastating sweet tooth. ]
You tried to kill yourself twice. Now, are you...?
[ Is Manjiro here for good? Or is he likely to step right back onto that precipice? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-10-26 11:01 pm (UTC)(not that these two things are at all related, he just... likes to spend time with claude, no matter what they're doing. the conversation is always interesting, and it makes him founder of the man every time - it's almost like he's slowly uncovering a secret, and when he does, it goes to the grave with him. seems a theme for him as of late, all these people who hardly talk about themselves.
the subject might be heavy, but with his eyes closed, manjiro can't notice that it upsets, his voice is factual, a simple piece of information about him rather than a bomb that he just dropped. it's not like he allows it to show when it upsets him. it's a good question, though, that claude poses and manjiro cannot blame him for asking, for worrying.
well.)
Nah. My brother killed a time-leaper for it, and the fucker cursed him, so, technically, me. You met the me that jumped off a building. I was hardly sane and holding on, because of that damn curse, and I was fighting it to some extent and it just takes a lot out of me and made me a danger to the people who wanted me back, so I wanted to end it. I think what made me not pop you dead back then was the fact you liked me regardless, so it wasn't like you were trying to save me or make me different when I couldn't be.
I'm curse-free, so, everyone's safe.
(not that he's worried about himself, although he does make it in the definition of 'everyone'.)
no subject
Date: 2024-10-29 08:25 pm (UTC)Hey. [ He takes advantage of poor Manjiro's trust to flick his forehead with a thunk. ] When did I make it sound like I was worried about everyone? I'm not worried about the curse. I'm worried about you.
[ The fact that Manjiro had wanted to die over and over again, the fact that he'd felt that he wasn't allowed to become close to anyone, the fact that even after the dust has settled, he doesn't seem to grasp just how severe it is -- every bit of it is more worrisome than the last. Manjiro may say that he's fine now, but this sort of thing isn't something that ever leaves you. It stays with you. It haunts you. Claude has been around enough soldiers and warriors to understand those signs, even if he can't empathize with them. It's a problem that Claude doesn't know how to solve. For most other things, he has at least an inkling; when the primary war someone is waging is against themselves, he's lost.
But he can be here, at least. For Ange, for Marianne, for Manjiro, for the people he cares about who unfeasibly seem to think that their absence would be better for those around them than their presence. ]
You have memories of all of them, don't you? Doesn't that mean that he was also... you? [ He shakes his head. ] Maybe that's why that other world stuck with you more than it stuck with me. You're used to having different lives.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-29 08:42 pm (UTC)(it's said with a very big pout as he distances in almost a jump, it hurt!!! nevermind the fact that he is taking claude's hand and putting it where it hurts to massage it. it's penance. repent, sinner, as he frowns at the other boy. he is part of everyone, if he hasn't thought about it. there's a very good reason why manjiro left when he lost his mind in aldrip, and it was not only to protect himself but to protect the people around him from... well, manjiro himself.)
... Yeah. That time, though... I didn't even know. My friend is the one who was going back and forth to save me because he just has a huge issue leaving things alone, my brother gave him the gift and then died not long after. He was trying to solve the whole damn thing, and he just got to a point that he had to tell me or else it'd all go to shit, so.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-19 02:14 am (UTC)You were never a problem for me, so the curse never managed to sink its claws into me, so that's that.
[ He's not much for curses, admittedly. Marianne had had similar concerns and he'd told her very much the same thing. They're the decider of their own fates, not some bullshit curses. He does, however, obediently poke and prod at where he'd flicked Manjiro. ]
So how did it wind up? Did your friend manage to survive in the end too? [ He stretches his legs out in front of him. ] ...and how many people got to remember their past lives? If he kept on doing that, it's not just you and him who had your fates changed. That's what they say, isn't it? Just one small action can ripple out far enough to change the course of history itself.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-24 07:30 pm (UTC)there's no arguing. he just doesn't like it.)
... No, I... Stabbed him with a sword, managed to go back in time before he was fully gone... But only the two of us remember. He used to learn who bit it and went back to try to fix it, but the last time we did it together. Everyone lived, dreams achieved, so forth, so forth, so, yeah. One small action - I think the time-travel thing knows that too, it ships you right where you need to be.
So, that's the story of how I am probably 30 in the body of a 19-year-old. Imagine reliving your teenage weird shit when you're mentally in your twenties, oof.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-02 09:22 am (UTC)Perhaps it is kinder to only make someone live the one life. To dwell on your mistakes in strange perpetuity, several lifetimes of grief and suffering, is no way to live. He's envious anyway.
None of it gets voiced aloud. It doesn't need to be. Nobody feels any joy knowing that others envy their lot in life. ]
I imagine it's the kinder thing, that none of the others remember, [ he muses. ] I'm sure they all went through things I can't well imagine. To live a life that's the best outcome possible to them without the awareness of how different things could have been... that's a gift.
[ But not for the ones that remember. Not for Manjiro. Not for his friend. ]
But I suspect, my friend, that you'd rather not forget. Some lessons are hard-earned. [ He glances at him. ] And at least you have a partner to remember it with you. Pity he wasn't able to join you here too.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-08 11:29 pm (UTC)(it's all he can say, knowing fully well that, in most of the lives he had lived, things had not turned out well for his loved ones, courtesy of himself. either they're living a life they would not agree with, or they were six feet under - the one time they weren't ruined, takemichi couldn't take 'good enough' as an answer.
he wishes he could say that everything is solved now, but that also isn't true. things that shaped them still, in most cases, happened in a way or another... but things are better, and all live through all the heartache in the invisible fight he had been engaged in for the past years.)
He used to be, before I met you. He sorta told everyone about the curse, that mistletoe thing happened, and then he was gone. I think... The time-leaping doesn't work here, but I have wondered if something would.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-21 11:33 am (UTC)[ Claude knows better than anyone the transience of life. One moment, you may take your way of life, your loved ones, your daily routines for granted. And the next, it's torn from you. It's just more aggravating here because of the lack of warning, the lack of foresight; no sickness, no rumbling strife, no hints of what to come save for the knowledge that you could wake up and your best friend may be gone for good.
But you keep going. What else is there? ]
In this case, I just think to myself that they're back in their own worlds, where they belong, and we're the ones getting the short end of the stick. [ It's easier to bear, that way. He thinks Manjiro would agree. ] What else did you think might work here?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-13 01:28 pm (UTC)(manjiro knows it too well, along with the intricate web of events that a single death can cause. if anything, his entire story is a cautionary tale of how to handle loss. lose a person, diffuse your sanity even further.
which brings a sigh to his lips, and a rather selfish admission.)
I didn't want him to go. He's got a great girl, and I like her a bunch, but I had him all to myself for once. I like him, so I thought I might score something, almost did, too. He was taken after that, so, I got the short end of the stick twice.
(a shrug follows.)
Don't know. That's really all we can do, I'm not like half these fuckers who can blast fire out of their toenails or any other shit like that.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-16 09:19 am (UTC)You're a bit of a mankiller, aren't you?
[ It doesn't have the same ring to it as ladykiller, but it's close enough. For someone who tries to push people away, worried about what he would become, Manjiro sure is attracted to people, isn't he? He just... wants. Their affection more than anything else, he thinks. ]
Weren't you already with Yu at the time? Sounds like he had his girl, and you had a partner of your own too.
[ Unless it doesn't work like that. Manjiro's from a different culture from Fodlan, or the other people here from what appear to be Fodlani cultures. But nothing Manjiro has said ever suggested a culture like Claude's own, a culture in which a man would have several women - and, frankly, men - provided they were in some position of power to maintain that.
Manjiro, lawless as he is, isn't that. His relationship with Yu isn't that either. It's something else entirely. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-16 07:49 pm (UTC)(so, it's not exactly that they're bound to each other, to never leave, never experiment. manjiro's never been like this, although he realized that he never really told claude that part about himself... even with all the hitting on him of it all.
he waits for a moment before he starts out again. how to put this?)
... It's not the norm, but I... Love people, I guess. Everyone I like, I like differently, so it's not like I could ever be with a single person for the rest of my life. It's not me.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-26 07:46 am (UTC)[ Claude's brows knit. Not the norm, Manjiro says, as though this wasn't the very thing that has dictated the entirety of his childhood. He can't help the doubt that enters his eyes, even when he's taken every other strange thing about Manjiro's life in stride. ]
And none of you get jealous of one another? No favourites are played? I can't imagine.